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|Profile of a radical|
We have seen them on TV spewing hateful slogans like "read the bill" and inciting violence — even though they haven't caused any in thousands of protest across the country—but who are they?
Since a group of citizens are organizing a Tea Party Tax Day Protest to take place Thursday, starting 4 p.m., at the Franklin Parish Courthouse, I thought it might be helpful to delve a little into exactly who these people are who are making Washingtonians quake in their loafers.
I bravely ventured into the home of one of these radical rabble rousers recently so I could better understand what motivates the extremists among us. It wasn't pretty.
I risked grave bodily harm gathering this information for you, dear reader, so I hope you will use it well.
The radical I observed even went so far as to tempt me with homemade cookies, pretending not to know I am an insulin dependent diabetic. They were chocolate chip cookies, too.
Some big health insurance executive must be shelling out bucks to discover just how these people can get to me. It was a narrow escape.
This woman— we will call her "Lucifer" or "Lucy" for short— is typical, I believe, of the kind of person who gathers in mob fashion with like-minded zealots to protest the benevolent souls in our federal government who are wise enough to know that sometimes a country must bury itself under a mountain of debt because it can.
Lucy is in her mid-sixties, which made me wonder how she could have existed so long and avoided being locked up as a danger to society.
When she invited me into her home, I knew at once I was dealing with a person with a depraved mind by the neatness of her dwelling — a seemingly typical, middle class, one-story brick structure. Everything was suspiciously tidy and organized, obviously the work of a obsessive, compulsive persona.
I thought of my own house with dirty dishes piled high in the sink and clothes scattered about the floor of my bedroom and was thankful that I have a normal, well balanced mind.
As we spoke, I was surprised to learn she is a Democrat who voted for Ronald Reagan in the 1980s, Bill Clinton in the 1990s and George W. Bush and John McCain in the last decade.
It was by this admition that I became aware that she must be a schizophrenic and began to fear for my safety.
Sure, she was smaller than me, but I noticed she was sitting uncomfortably close to a pair of knitting needles that could be used as weapons if I were to slip up and take the name of Lawrence Welk in vain.
I learned she liked to knit a lot and enjoyed watching The Golden Girls and Glenn Beck.
How she could seamlessly shift from Bea Arthur lamenting arthritis to Beck lamenting Armageddon confused me, but I was dealing with a warped mind.
Lucy told me she always voted, but had never gotten involved in protest before, which clued in to her being a closet racist. Why else would she wait until a black man was in office to get involved?
The pictures on the refrigerator that showed her surrounded by black children she helped build schools for during four mission trips to Liberia didn't sway me.
I know no one could opose Obamacare and love all people —it just doesn't make sense.
The fact that Lucy and her husband, a Big Oil puppet retired as a laborer for an off-shore drilling company, reared three children who now who are spawning grandchildren prone to develop similar radical views frightens me.
I just hope that the kids in the many pictures adorning her home are watching the Disney Channel and have gotten involved in the network's Project Green, which is doing a great job teaching kids to work toward saving the planet from the evils of capitalism. Walt would be proud to learn that more than Mickey Mouse's pants are red at Disney these days.
Lucy told me she loves her country and supports the military. She also seemed to know much more about the Constitution than your average Congressman, but that's not really saying a lot.
Her cult-like devotion to her church also disturbs me. She goes twice a week, I discovered, and even sings in the choir. When she invited me to a Wednesday night potluck supper, I felt it was time to make my exit before things got really ugly.
I can now see why the national media and Washington politicians are so worried about the extremist who will be converging in groups just like the one planned here in Winnsboro on April 15.
If people like Lucy aren't stopped there are no limits to the havoc they might cause.
They might even go so far as to insist people in Washington read the Constitution, stop overspending and quit raising taxes or risk having Tea Party radicals do something as drastic as going to polls in November to vote them out of office.
So, if you are brave enough to venture to the Tea Party protest in Winnsboro, be forewarned.
Those people might look like your friends and neighbors exercising their First Amendment rights, but watch your back.
Just remember Lucy with her radical views and the batch of chocolate chip cookies that could have killed me.
Editors note: Before I get lots of letters from people speculating on the identy of Lucy, understand this column is tongue in cheek. Lucy is not a single person, rather a composite of a few people I know involved in the Tea Party Movement.